~Growing. Up.

Dear God, what a motherfucking concept. I terrifies me, yet fills me with an excitement from hell. I mean, it's what we all dream about as children, no? The day when we'll finally be able to do as we please, when we please. But do we ever think about the other things that come along with it? The responsibilities one is suddenly found with? We usually don't. And a few days ago, it finally hit me.

I'll be 18 in a year.

In less than 10 months, I will be a legal adult here. I will be saying goodbye to all the things I used to hold dear as a child, keep some close to the heart, and plunge into the unknown. It seems slightly frightening. I mean, will I be able to get by? Also, will my parents be able to let go? It's now, about 1/6 of the way through senior year, and they haven't shown any changes at all. They keep telling me to 'grow up' and to 'stop being so childish', but what good does that really do me? Does it really inspire the child within me to dust off her dress, fix her shoes, and re-adjust her bow while she prepares herself to hand my heart to an older girl? As I sit here, typing this entry in my neko ears, I ask myself if I'm ready for that. I guess I will have to let time pass so that the little girl can cope with the fact that she won't be holding my heart as often as she used to, but that doesn't mean she can't, every once in a while.


~School is something else that has me frazzled, recently. For some awkward reason, I'm incapable of keeping up. Lately, I've been feeling incredibly unmotivated, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's something beyond my reach, or maybe it's something that I can change, but I have yet to see it.... We'll just have to wait and see...

~Love. Another thing that I cannot comprehend. Recently, I went through an incredibly painful experience: being rejected for who I am. I mean, I loved him. Loved him with every fiber of my being. Until he said those words that will probably never leave my memory....

We can't be together, because you're alternative, and that would ruin my reputation....

How I cried. But then something miraculous happened. I realized that there was someone who loved me more than I knew. And that the love I felt for him had been there all along, I just refused to acknowledge it. And after a few incidents, I'm all his. And there is no feeling in the world that compares to it.

That's all, for now....


~Nikky Von Urmson